So one thing I know about myself: I suck at first dates.  Now that I think about it...I suck at the first umm ten dates.  There's just way too much pressure.  Jesus I might die alone.  I hope that special someone will take the time to get to know me, but not by dragging it out of me or even expecting it but both of us learning about each other naturally and gradually.  One thing I really need to keep in mind is to just be true to myself.  I shouldn't have to mold myself to fit another person's preferences even though I hate the feeling of dissapointment and it almost feels like I'm a failure if it doesn't work out.  If it's not working then it's not meant to be. 

I've tried to keep a journal ever since I was little but for some reason, there's that feeling that I HAVE to write in it every night so the thoughts don't flow as naturally.  This xanga thing is really theraputic especially since no one really uses it anymore.  I think it would be nice to read these past entries a few months/years from now and see the person that I was and the things that I found to be stressful and confusing. 

This is really random but I just heard the song gangsta's paradise on the radio and it reminded me of this kid from middle school.  There was a boy named Jeremy in my 6th grade music class.  He was really skinny, blond hair, and big glasses...so basically the dorkiest kid you can imagine and I think he was poor too.  So one day, we had to present something that had to do with music, either talk about what we liked to listen to or something along those lines.  Everyone played it safe and talked about their favorite song or artist but when it was Jeremy's turn, he started rapping gansta's paradise.  The whole class started cracking up and I remember being really embarrased for him and wondering why on earth he would purposefully humiliate himself like that.  But now that I think about it, he must have done something right if I can still remember something that happened like 11 years ago.  I don't want to go through life playing things safe and trying to fit in, because then I don't think there will be anyone who will remember me.  I'm not saying I want to do something incredible like finding a cure for cancer or anything like that, but it's time I thought about who I am and what I'm all about and pursue them.  So thank you Jeremy for doing something silly and yet brave and I'm sorry I ignored you when you confessed you liked me. 

The weather was so nice today.  It was windy and warm.  It would have been perfect if it was just a little bit warmer.  I love those summer days when I can close my eyes and spread my arms and feel the breeze rushing around me...it makes me feel free.  almost like I can do anything in that moment and the possibilities are endless. 

I've been thinking about relationships a lot recently.  I realize now that I don't really have an idea of what I want in a guy.  Some people have these lists and see if a person fits all the criteria, but for me, I just want someone who will love me, someone I'm attracted to, a person that is kind and someone that will hold my hand and won't make me feel stupid when I fall or walk head on into fire extinguishers.  I'm not even looking for the storybook romance.  When I think about finding a person I can be with, I think about lying in bed and reading together and maybe down the line, having a little house and having children and looking at my husband over the breakfast table and going for walks...such simple things and yet, it's so hard to find someone who you can trust, it's such a scary world these days.  You always have to second guess if the things they are telling you are true or if they'll leave once the going gets rough.  I guess I went a little off subject.  I can't sing.  I can't dance.  I'm quite awkward.  I like to observe people and internalize my feelings and sometimes I'm too busy analyzing and thinking about things that I forget that other people can't tell what I'm thinking.  I have to make an effort to talk to people and it's hard to let them know what I feel or think and I guess I don't do that unless I feel comfortable which can take a while with some people.  I've always envied those people who can make others feel at ease and make easy conversations.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know what I like or what I don't like...I'm still learning who I am.  I'm still silly and immature but that doesn't mean I don't understand things...mmm I don't know.  I want someone who will be by my side while I learn about myself.  Is that asking too much? I want to go about life and experience new things and form opinions but to be able to look at the person by my side and feel the love.  I wish I was better at expressing myself.  It's hard to put what I feel or think into words. 

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